Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
