True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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