I love how my cats smell like pot.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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