fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
