My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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