I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
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