The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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