Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Drunk is not a location!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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