I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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