Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
