I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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