I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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