I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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