just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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