Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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