the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
