she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
