Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
