naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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