Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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