My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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