who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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