I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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