i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
