Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
