My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
