he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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