Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
