margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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