Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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