Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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