i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize