he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
