He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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