I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
