textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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