someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
