the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
