Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
