my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
