He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
