in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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