remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
