Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
