i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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