Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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