I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
