he thought i was a dude.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
