if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
