we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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