What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
