3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
