I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
