my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
