I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
