tell your sister to shave her snatch
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
