I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
