he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
