My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize