You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
