i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
