I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
